Locked
by TheeMizKitty
Summary: He tried to lock his feelings away, but fate, and Sora, have other plans. s/r slash


Locked.

By: TheeMizKitty

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts and related characters thanks to Square Enix. They will take over the world.

A/N: MAH. Started months ago, got bored with it, started it again just to get it off my laptop… End result: not too happy but oddly uncaring about it.

00

Once upon a time, a young boy saved the world. Well actually, not just one world did he save, but all worlds far and near, scattered throughout the dimensions in the form of stars. Maybe he even saved your world too.

Wielding the key to light, the boy with his two faithful companions brought justice to evil and brought peace back. He released the hearts. One by one they fell and returned to their worlds, glorious hearts stolen by evil.

He gave all the hearts back, except one.

My heart is still with him; I think it's always been that way. Resting in his hands, shining just beyond his eyes of the sky. My heart is his; now I just have to wait for him to notice.

Will he return it to me?

Will he make me feel again?

Will he save me…?

He already destroyed me once; will he do it again unintentionally?

Once upon a time, a boy fell in love with another boy. And not just any boy, but his best friend, the key-bearer, the one boy who had saved everyone and could never love him back, because it was not right. Because the boy already loved a girl, the girl he had risked everything for, and there was no chance that he could ever love anyone but her.

Once upon a time one boy lived without a heart and nobody, not even the hero, seemed to notice.

_Right?_

-o-

It is not easy to lock away a heart. It is too cumbersome, with the thousands of little emotions it holds, the cascade of feelings both realized and unrealized, feelings as tiny as contentment on a sunny day and as large as the feeling of love spearing through it. And with that love, there always comes an unbearable amount of sadness. At least, in my case anyway.

Love is not meant to be painful, just as the heart is not meant to always lament. But then, how can I feel anything but emptiness in my chest when I know that he is the one who has my heart? How can I feel anything but sadness when there is nothing left for me to feel with?

Just an empty cavity waiting, just waiting, to see if it will be filled again. Looking over at him, I think that it never will. He's always with her now, walking her to her house, playing with her on the beach, carrying her books for her at school. In all appearances they are already a couple, and I have lost my heart.

But being his best friend was as much as a curse as it was a gift. I hated how close he always was to me because it was always so tempting, oh so fucking tempting, to reach out and take him. He'd smile at me, he'd laugh with me, he even liked to hug me now. And although each little action of affection pained me more and more each day, he also told me things that sometimes made up for all the torture he was innocently putting me through.

He and Kairi, for all their appearances as a couple, had yet to kiss and make it official. He told me this one evening on the play island, and I nearly fell off the papou tree in shock. And, of course, in delight. Who would have thought? They clung to each other almost constantly, as though afraid that if they were to let go, they would be separated for years again. Not that I could blame them for that. I often wonder if when I wake up one morning, I'll be in another world again, lost in the darkness, searching for the light.

I still haven't found the light, even when he sits right beside me, chattering away about school, friends, Kairi…Always Kairi…

He can never seem to stop talking about her around me, even though I try desperately to change the subject. He tells me how her day was, what she did, what she said… As though he didn't notice that with each time he mentioned her name, he was cutting up another part of my heart in his hands, bringing a knife down to it over and over again. But did he notice?

No; his knife was his naivety and he wielded it so sharply that no one ever seemed to notice, or care. Except me. I loved his naivety as much as I hated it.

I lost track of how long I endured his innocent brand of torture. Longer than I thought that I could, that was for sure, as the seasons changed and the weeks marched on and what had once been such a great adventure started to seem more like a hazy dream. There was no other world but Destiny Island, and no other people but our classmates, me and, of course, Kairi.

Despite the time that crept along however, nothing seemed to change between Kairi and Sora; nothing changed between any of us. I was still quiet and Sora was still trying to get me out of my depression, not realizing that he was the one that was continually causing it. Nothing seemed to be advancing between Kairi and him, although everyone at Destiny High knew that they were dating.

But…were they really?

Some days I had some doubts. Days when Sora would seem to completely ignore Kairi by just nodding and smiling at her. He was always smiling, it seemed, the biggest smiles, and everyone knows that it is the biggest smiles that are the fakest. He was always smiling, it seemed, the biggest smiles, and everyone knows that it is the biggest smiles that are the fakest. He never talks to me about her; when we're together, which seemed to be almost too much, he never brought her up and I never had the courage to ask. How could I ask when knowing could destroy me?

And so the days crept by and the nights grew longer, as I spent most of them buried beneath my covers wishing for the sunlight that would not come for several more hours. I never told anyone that I was afraid of the dark, not even Sora. I guess I just hoped that I would eventually get over it, and see that when the sunlight faded I wouldn't be lost again. Instead it only started to get worse. I couldn't sleep, and as a result during the day it felt like I was dead on my feet. When Sora started to notice, I always had some quick excuse, some reason for him to dismiss me, forget about me, and continue on with that lovely smile on his face and Kairi, only Kairi, in his heart.

There never seemed to be enough room for me and I couldn't get myself to mind. After all I had done to him, how could he treat me like anyone else? He'd told me a million times that he didn't care about all I had done, but I could never believe him. If I couldn't even forgive myself, then how could I expect him to really honestly forgive me?

The look of betrayal in his blue eyes flashed every time I closed my eyes. His desperate voice haunted my nightmares. He was everywhere, night and day, and as much as he hurt me, past and present, I couldn't wish him away. Not when I loved him so painfully much.

He would very well be my destruction, and did I mind?

Not at all.

The day everything started to change started out as a normal one. Just like the day when the darkness first came to the island; the normal days are always the ones that carry the worst threats.

Or so I had thought.

When Sora approached me on the play island, with a smile on his face and Kairi trailing distantly behind him, I thought nothing of it. Every day we had met here to watch the sun set and discuss our days, even though we'd spent most of them around each other. So normally, I didn't talk at all, but just listened to them and Kairi's sickening giggle at everything Sora said, funny or not.

But then normally, Kairi didn't have red rimmed eyes and Sora's smile didn't reach his eyes.

Something was wrong and I couldn't for the life of me immediately think of what it was.

"Hey Riku!" Sora chirped as he leaned against the bent papou tree and stared out at the ocean. Another red flag—Sora always stared at me for awhile before looking into the sunset.

Kairi, as she took her place beside Sora, didn't say anything at all.

I wasn't sure how to broach the subject and so we all sat in silence for a moment—Sora's normal chattering vanished under the weight of his nearly audible discomfort.

Was it pain he was feeling or discomfort?

Kairi was clearly in pain; her eyes seemed to be sparkling with small tears in the dying light of the sun and I tried my best not to stare. I didn't want to upset either of them anymore or bring up anything unpleasant and so I kept my silence.

They would tell me eventually…wouldn't they?

As the silence seemed to stretch on, I started to have my doubts.

"It's a nice night," Sora said suddenly, his voice full of what I immediately identified as false cheerfulness. "A good ending to the day."

"Yeah, coz the start sure wasn't great," Kairi suddenly snapped, and I turned in surprise to find her, tears streaking down her face, glaring not at Sora but at me. I could only stare back, startled. "Today was perhaps the worst day of my life, no thanks to _you._"

Wait, was she talking to me?

"I—"

"Leave Riku out of this Kairi," Sora suddenly said, his voice holding a nearly malicious tone. "I told you it has nothing to do with him—"

Kairi's teary eyes narrowed from me to Sora in an instant. "It has everything to do with him," she hissed, "And we both know it. Hell, the entire island probably notices it!"

"Kairi, enough!" Sora demanded, his tone turning pleading as he turned his back on me to face her. It was almost as though they had forgotten that I was there, and I was actually grateful. "Don't do this right now."

"When then?" Kairi actually sneered, "Would you prefer to do it when he isn't around to hear it? Don't you think that Riku deserves to hear the truth Sora? I can't do this anymore!"

I couldn't remember feeling more confused. I wanted to interrupt, to jump between them and demand that they explain everything, seeing as it seemed to completely involve me. But how? I had done nothing but kept my peace and stayed quiet these past two months, so what in all the worlds could they be talking about?

I didn't want to think that they had figured out how much I loved Sora. I didn't want to think it because then I knew that everything between all three of us would be over, and Sora and Kairi would leave me alone once again to fend off the shadows. But what else could it be? Kairi had probably seen me watching him with love sick eyes and told him immediately, and now he was just trying to act like we were all still friends. I felt sick. I could only sit there, holding my stomach and continue to listen, always listen.

"I'm sorry Kairi but I said we'd talk about this later, so we'll discuss it later. Besides, I don't think Riku wants to hear it—"

"Hear what involves him? Of course he does Sora, because he needs to know that everything has always been about him!" Kairi's near yelling now, her tiny hands clenched into red fists at her sides. "Even back then it was all about him! You weren't looking for me—you just accidentally stumbled upon me while you were following Riku!"

At this I really wanted to object. Of course Sora had not been following me; the entire time as I had been succumbing to darkness and Ansem's (or Xenanort's) wishes, Sora had been searching everywhere for her, and a way to bring her back. When I had been in the darkness, I had been his complete enemy and she had been his complete light.

Before I had the chance to say anything, Sora was speaking and I really couldn't believe his words. "I wanted to find you, and I did so what are you complaining about? Kairi, you know that it was Riku who needed me the most—"

"You never care about my feelings at all Sora!" Kairi shouted. Her face was twisted violently into a mask of sadness and anger. I had never seen her look quite so distraught in all the years of knowing her. "All you've ever cared about is Riku, Riku, _Riku_! And frankly I'm sick of it! I won't be your pretend girlfriend anymore!"

Wait, _fake _girlfriend…?

Before either of us could get a word in Kairi was storming off in tears, her faint sobs and shouted words lingering in the air between Sora and I even after the girl herself was out of view. I had no idea what to say; what was there to say? I couldn't understand what I was hearing. Was Kairi really jealous of Sora's friendship with me? It only made sense that he would care for me, considering he probably saw me as his big brother. Sora depended on me, just as Kairi depended on Sora. But then, who depended on Kairi?

Sora kept his back to me for a long moment, as though he thought if he didn't turn around to face me, I would just leave him alone. Fat chance.

"So uh…." I finally started, proceeding cautiously. "To be blunt with you Sora…What the hell was that just about?"

Sora turned to me and he was all bright smiles and guarded eyes. "Nothing Riku! We're just having a slight disagreement—"

"That involves me," I stated blandly, raising a brow. "Don't even try to deny that you guys were talking about me. I just don't understand why she's so upset…was it something I did?"

"No, no!" Sora was quick to deny, waving his arms around frantically. "It's not you at all it's just some stupid disagreement we had because she wants me to spend more time with her and—"

"Then why don't you?" I cut him off. I tried to sound as calm as I was able. "After all, she's your girlfriend and I'm just your friend. You should be spending time with her."

The look he gave me was an odd mix between exasperation and horror. "No, I can't do that! And what are you talking about? You're my best friend! She's not even my girlfriend! We're just friends—like you and me!"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at his naivety. "She's most definitely your girlfriend Sora; the whole island pretty much knows it."

"Well it's not true!" he exclaimed, sounding oddly aggravated. He didn't even look flustered like I expected him to be just…irritated. "I've been hearing these rumors too much and no matter what I do I can't seem to stop them! Riku, Kairi and I aren't dating, not at all. We've just been hanging out—"

"An awfully lot." Okay, I didn't really mean to sound so resentful, but could I really help it? Sora and Kairi had to be a couple; they were always around each other and whispering things that I couldn't hear. Kairi practically hung off his arm at school. They were a couple, and yet Sora still thought he could fool me?

"Look Sora you don't have to lie, I'm perfectly fine with you and Kairi dating. I mean, I certainly expected it—"

"Jeez Riku aren't you even listening to me?" Sora snapped. I stopped and blinked. Did Sora really just _snap _at me…? "Me and Kairi _are not together! _And I don't have any intention of_ ever dating her!_"

I could only blink once, twice. Was he being serious? The look on his face told me he was and Sora could never lie to me. But still, I couldn't understand. Sora…not wanting to date Kairi?

"But….what?" I could only gape. I tried not to notice the smug look that flashed across his face at how much he had surprised me. "I mean, why not? You two…you went to rescue her and…"

"Well I went to rescue you too! Kairi didn't need me after I gave her her heart back but you—you definitely needed me too!"

I tried not to glower too hard at that. I mean, I really had needed him…In more ways than he could ever possibly realize. "Well yeah, but Sora, you've always liked Kairi. You've liked her for years now, since she came to this island! I don't understand why you don't now."

When Sora turned to me, his eyes were strangely shadowed. His expression was oddly blank. "Things change Riku," he told me quietly, "You should know that more than anyone."

What could I say to such truths? Of course I knew more than anyone; I had been through the darkness, the light, and all the shades of grey in between. There had been so many goddamn shades that they had almost consumed a part of me.

What am I saying _almost? _Of course they destroyed a part of me, and of course it was noticeable.

But things had changed with me. But with Sora…

"You hate change. You try to avoid it at all costs." I narrowed my eyes, trying to look intimidating. Sora wasn't fooled and just, almost unbelievably, glared right back at me.

"Well maybe this change has been there for awhile, and I'm just now noticing it! You can't prevent change from happening, Riku."

Couldn't you? I had the chance, the choice, and I had decided to flip my entire world. My choice and no one else's, even if I had had the influence of the darkness in my ear. But Sora never had. A warrior of the light, the keyblade master, always knowing his right from his wrong. And Kairi? She was absolutely one hundred percent right for him, all flowers and happiness and light to match his. Perfect for him, and everyone knew it. Apparently, however, he didn't.

"But Sora…there's no need for you to…change. And besides why exactly are you changing? You and Kairi—"

"Have always been the best of friends," Sora interrupted, "And nothing more. Just like us, right?"

How could I answer that question? Of course we were friends, but Sora didn't need to know that I wanted more. Besides, Kairi was a girl, his match and I was—

"No, not like us. Sora, she's liked you for years and you've liked her—"

"I did _once_. I really did like her once upon a time Riku." His face, oddly enough, was twisting into some sort of mask of pain. Pain that I couldn't understand, along with the words that he was saying. He didn't like Kairi anymore…? My head felt fuzzy and my chest…

"But…" I tried to grasp words, sense, when it felt like my world was flipping every which way. "I don't understand…"

Sora's eyes were oddly bright as he looked at me. He inched closer, his sweet lips parting as he let out a shaky breath. "You really didn't notice…? I mean, I'm not surprised that you didn't, no one else seemed to notice…"

"Notice what Sora? What…are you talking about?"

Please don't destroy me with your answer. Damn this hope in my chest. I'd thought that I had locked all of this away, but there it was, that intense feeling right at the forefront of my heart, my head, drilling in and spilling through the crack all the feelings that were never right and should never be in the light. I tried not to let the internal struggle show on my face, but he was watching me too closely. Or was he just too close?

"S-Sora…"

"Riku, I didn't want to come down here and see you tonight, but Kairi insisted. She…needed you to hear…"

"Hear what? I only heard you two fighting because…you've been spending too much time with me?" It was a laughable idea. I rarely saw Sora anymore, other than during these rare precious moments when the sun was setting, and even then Kairi was always there in the background. We were never alone but for now…

So close too close so far away reachable yet unreachable…

"No it's…" A blush, such a gentle rosy shade, was starting to climb up Sora's slender throat and I stared at it. I made myself believe that it was a trick of the dying light. After all, why would Sora blush? He was just with me, and there was nothing to get embarrassed about.

He was just with me, with his best, miserable friend Riku. Kairi's words haunted me, made me start to believe in something that I knew could never exist. Kairi was just being jealous over nothing, nothing at all.

Nothing…

"Do you ever miss me Riku?"

I blinked at him, slowly, watched him squirm under the incredulity of my stare. He was still blushing. "What…? Sora how can I miss you when I see you every day?"

The look he gave me was almost pained. "You know what I mean. Things…aren't the same between us. Any of us."

Well, duh.

Sora had always had a thing for stating the obvious…

"Well, I mean we've been through a lot," I stuttered out an answer, trying to figure out where this was going. Was Sora trying to tell me that he didn't want to be friends anymore? That would destroy me. I could stand not having his heart, but I needed his friendship; it was all I had left. "We each have different…feelings."

Sora's eyes grow bright, as though I had said exactly the words he wanted to hear. "Exactly, feelings change! And mine have for Kairi, just as they have for you!"

I can't allow myself to feel any sort of hope, I cannot let him see the way my face starts to change. Sora has no idea what he is doing to me, fiddling with that lock that I have kept over my emotions for so long now. It wasn't fair, but since when has anything ever been fair for me?

"I never wanted to ignore you like I have been Riku," Sora told me, "And I'm so sorry that I have been but…it's for a reason."

I shouldn't ask, I can't ask, I—

"What reason?"

Kairi was not his girlfriend; he wanted to spend more time with me; his eyes were soft and sparkling like the stars in the dying sunlight. Even in the growing darkness, to me he was shining. And right now, he was shining at _me_.

When he took that final step toward me, I knew that I had to be dreaming. He was infinitely close to me, so close that I could see each of his long eyelashes, the creamy perfection of his skin and the rose redness of his lips. His warm breath hit my collarbone—

"You know the reason Riku. I know you do. There's…something different between us, something that buzzes in my chest and makes my tummy hurt when I look at you now."

I tried my best not to gasp in surprise when his warm hand slid into mine, so smoothly, so gently, so perfectly. Fingers knotted, our hands were a perfect fit. But best of all, within my hand his felt so real, so alive. Not fake, not an illusion, not just a wish and a far off dream. _Real._

"S-Sora…"

"I don't really know what it is Riku, but I'm trying to know." He smiled up at me, his soft hand squeezing mine just as his other hand seemed to be squeezing something else in my chest. The heart that shouldn't have been there, beating so fast, so hard…

"I _want _to know…"

When he moved closer to me, lips so soft like a noose against mine, I thought that perhaps there was a chance for light. As his lips parted for mine and I started to slowly kiss back I thought that maybe this wasn't the end of me after all but the beginning, the beginning that for so long now I had been putting off. It had been in front of me the entire time, hadn't it?

But the darkness was blind, the darkness didn't know because the darkness couldn't understand—

That the angel could kiss the devil and the devil wouldn't die, wouldn't crumble away into nothingness because he isn't the devil, he isn't the darkness and he is just that name, whispered from the sweetly parted lips of his beloved—

"_Riku…"_

I gasped his name like a dying man and he fell into me like waves colliding onto the shore, lapping so peacefully beneath us.

"I never thought…I never…"

"It's alright," he whispered, his lips whispering against my own. "I didn't want you to know because I was scared, so afraid but I can't be anymore… But there's something between us and I think…it's always been there. It just took me losing you to finally see it."

I buried my face into his hair, his cinnamon wild hair that was so soft between my fingers, so that he wouldn't see my tears. But he knew that I was happy. How could he not when I was suddenly squeezing him so tightly and kissing him so ardently?

And there is nothing separating us but the spaces in between our heartbeats, locked together in the fading sunlight.

End.


End file.
